More bumps. “Dammit,” I thought, “These beasts are eating me alive.” At this point I still thought they were bug bites. I was in Mexico, in a sailboat, anchored off the coast of Punta Mita with my girlfriend, her dad and his girlfriend. I didn’t know what time it was but I assumed it was something like four in the morning. I think I just use four am as my default “I shouldn’t be awake” time. Anyway, I sat up in bed feeling across my skin scanning for more bumps.They started on my feet about four days before when we’d gone to San Blas…you know from the Maná song? Me either. We’d gone to eat fish tacos with a guy named “Pompis”. If you don’t speak Spanish, that roughly translates as “booty”. We walked through some brush at the apparently haunted “Playa de las Brujas”. I figured my pink-marshmallow gringo skin was all too appetizing to some San Blas mosquitoes, hence my bug bite logic (or it was beach witches).
Anyway, I sat up in bed and sharply sighed “Ughh shit” I’m sure I woke up my girlfriend. I mean, she was awake at this point but since she sleeps like a Mexican Disney princess, I’m sure I was the one who woke her up. Sensing my girlfriend awake I said “I found more bumps”. Poor girl, what could she say besides “Aww, I’m sorry” I mumbled some more cuss words at those conscienceless card-cheats who called themselves mosquitoes who I thought were filling their bodies with my tasty blood. It must have been really tasty because the day before I had been invited to try a wine called Mylagros Di Christi which in some romance language means something like “Tears of Christ”…yep, it tasted like a mixture of cedar from Fidel Castro’s personal humidor and divine tears. I digress…the bumps…I slathered on some of “Padre Francisco’s Milagro” cream which is supposed to help with things like this. Smelling herbal and desperate, I violently fell back to sleep.
The next morning I woke and before doing anything I angrily slapped at my skin…bumps. Goddamn bumps everywhere. At this point they weren’t the type of bumps where if someone saw them they’d say, “heh heh…looks like you got some bites there.” They were more like welts…and if someone saw them they’d say “EEEHHHH?!” while sharply inhaling—which is exactly what my girlfriend and her dad’s girlfriend did…in unison. It looked like I had an accident making a poison ivy smoothie. Hands, arms, legs, covered in pink welts. These were no bug bites...
Stay tuned for part dos...
